Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Bourne Idol

Denizens, is it me or has the world dropped some potent LSD and is having a really bad trip. No this is not about the wonderful dedicated senior management at AIG getting their well deserved bonuses. Though in all fairness 9 out of 10 of them have decided to give them back, the nobility of this gesture brings rain from my eyes…wait… what was that? I’m just getting an update… this just in, 9 out of the 10 AIG Big Wigs succumbed to pressure from the humongous public outcry? That doesn’t seem very noble at all? I am shocked I tell you, shocked!

Recently I read an article on how the CIA is advertising for Spooks! At first I must admit that I didn’t have the necessary vision to be able to appreciate this brilliant paradigm shift in recruitment methodology. I mean think about it… a very public recruitment venture for a very secret profession however upon further reflection I have realized the potential for this foray into main stream media. No more will the hallowed halls of Ivy League institutions monopolize the community for breeding America’s intelligentsia, Uncle Sam wants you! All of you who read newspapers at least! But here is my question, why stop there? Let’s be honest here the world is not doing too well financially, America is really struggling through no fault of their own , two wars, and trying to provide mortgages for every single person in American can take its toll on even the sturdiest of financial infrastructure. So I have a proposal whereby the burden of recruiting new spooks does not crush the American taxpayer.

So here is my proposal ….

Why stop at traditional ATL advertising for Spook recruitment? If you want to win the War on Terror and put American Intelligence (no pun intended?) close to the pinnacle of Mossad success then they need to bring their A game. Yes, you’ve guessed it …. A Spooks recruitment reality show! Pups and Kittens I present to you…

Bourne Idol

The premise would be quite similar in vein to the American Idol + Big Brother + Survivor but replace tone deaf pop tarts, quarelling house mates and insect eating island inhabitants with potential Jason Bournesque spooks. The aim of the show would be to find out who will be the next real life Jason Bourne as voted by the American public. The TV ad revenues itself could fund a war with Iran and clandestine operations in a small, unamed ( Venezuela) South American country. It would be an integrated marketing communications campaign that would be the template for Creative Circus freaks for decades to come. Auditions would be held all around the country in front of a panel of judges comprising of Jennifer Garner (played Sidney Bristow on hit TV show Alias), Matt Damon ( Jason Bourne of course! ) and we need a stuffy British Judge who will shatter the dreams and hopes of possible Bourne Idols everywhere Dame Judi Dench ( M , yes James Bond’s boss herself) we tried to get Simon Cowell to judge but he was afraid that he might be found lying in a pool of blood with his testicles in his mouth, he didn’t want to risk it.

The Audition

Basically the possible candidates would have to of course tell our elite panel why they should be the next Bourne Idol. The audition would be quite simple: They would have to disarm a “terrorist” and they would be evaluated on speed, technique and innovativeness. If 2 of the three judges agree then they would go through to “The Farm”.

The Farm

Once the field of participants has been narrowed down then they will all be moved to “The Farm” the CIA training center outside Langley, Virginia and divided into two units, where there will have to go through a series of weekly challenges ranging from intelligence gathering, seduction, arms handling, infiltration and extraction, hand to hand combat and withstanding of Torture. They will all live in the barracks together while the world over watches the participant induced "Cold War" unfold. The American populace would then vote for their favorite candidate. The bottom two would participate in a knife fight to the death.

The “For your eyes only” Final Mission

For the remaining two contestants they would have to embark on a “For your eyes only” mission where there would need to infiltrate the nuclear program in Tehran and determine once in for all whether they are harnessing it for Nuclear Weapons or not. Whoever makes it out alive, or whoever dies last will be honored as America’s Bourne Idol with a star on the wall at CIA headquarters.

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