Friday, November 13, 2009

The Buoyancy of Turds and other refutations of cinematic time, space and memory.

It has occurred that my lengthy lay off from any kind of productivity is a direct result of my gradual transition into my new life. Yes I have left the exciting and wonderful world of advertising and have become a proud born-again student. Before you all get aboard the envy train just hear me out. It has not all been bed knobs and broomsticks (I had to add a random film reference to see if you all were paying attention). Going back to being a student is not a walk in the beautiful park that is opposite my flat. An overwhelming sense of disorientation has taken over which can be treated with a strict regimen combination of herbs and alcohol. The interesting conversation, the many first time experiences and beautiful surroundings have made it increasingly difficult for me to continue talking about my first love … the man who inspired me to get out off the proverbial rat race … yes you guessed it MD. It recently occurred me to that over the past six months I didn’t get the chance to immortalize the man in written word. I mean he deserves his legacy to be set in stone After all, you will all agree that the man had a tremendous impact on all our lives and deserves to be celebrated. So to the MD I say fuck you and good fucking riddance. Now that is done… I would like to extend my congratulations to your recent victory. Success is in the air and it smells char-grilled. Now I think the next focus should be on winning the Fitness first account in order to counter the hangover of the Wendy’s win. That way your health will find a balance and all of you don’t kick the bucket prematurely as a result of heart disease. Love the burger that deserves it, but burger love can be a finicky bitch and that love can be all consuming. As I write this I can hear your arteries clog in anticipation of all the primary research each and every one of you will undertake to ensure that you unravel the mysteries of burger love. At the end of the day you don’t want to find out that The Burger that deserves to be loved may not be that into you. Then you would run the risk of having it being made into a film with a lot of unnecessary chatter by Jennifer “I will always be typecast and never can hold down a man” Aniston. Let’s face the cruel harsh truth; nobody wants to watch that movie.
I have to come realize that my adventures in the highlands has not been well documented …my bad! So I am rectifying that situation immediately starting now. Over the past two months I have been privy to about 50-60 different cinematic experiences … I’m not quite sure about the exact number because in between I have been occupied by my other research interestes such as documenting the buoyancy of turds and wondering what compels Canadians to end sentences with Eh ( still trying to deconstruct that one). So without much further ado I give you Prank’s films you should definitely watch… at least over the course of the coming weeks.

The Chaser (South Korea) – Ever since the Vengeance trilogy by Park Chan- Woo (I’m never sure where the hyphen is suppose to go) the friendlier of the Koreans have been churning out fantastic fucking films, brutal, viciously funny and hyper-violent. This one is no exception. A pimp who used to be a cop finds one of his girls has gone missing, kidnapped by a killer and he has 12 hours to find her. What makes this film even better is that IT’S A TRUE STORY. How fucking cool is that?

Taegukgi (Brotherhood) – Yes another film from the Non- Jong IL Koreans about the Korean War. Imagine a war film like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan but over the course of a two and a half hour epic. Plus another big issue is solved here… you can actually tell the two main characters apart. Not being able to tell who is who has always been a problem that has plagued films from the Far and South East of the Asian continent.

Battle Royale (Japan) – This film just gave me so many great ideas, I think we should send a draft resolution to the UN to instate this programme across the world. Basically it’s about a teacher taking the worst fucking kids in schools all across Japan to a deserted island where they all have to fight to the death and in the timeless wisdom of the Highlanders … there can be only one. I know what you are all thinking …that concept can be applied to a lot of different groups… clients, management, taxi drivers, politicians, anyone who supports Manchester United and whoever else the shoo fits.

La Jetee – Film by Chris Marker, the inspiration for Gilliam’s 12 Monkeys. It can be found on Youtube. It’s 27 mins and the entire film is composed of photographs.

Johnny Mad Dog – Best film on Africa I have ever seen … fucking intense. It’s about Child Soldiers in an unnamed African country (Liberia). After this film you all will want to come up with a really cool child soldier name for yourselves. Mine is Charlie Camel Spit.

That’s it for now, check out The Dead Weather … Jack White’s new super group; he plays the drums and Alison “I want her to be the mother of at least some of my children” Mossheart sings. Till we meet again… remember the viscosity of the whiskey soaked urine is much thinner than beer soaked urine.