Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Where the fuck are they now ?

E! is our one stop entertainment information hub that keeps us up to date with the glitzy world of Celebritannia. They take us through harrowing true Hollywood stories saturated with sex, drugs, betrayal, hardship, addiction, violence, fame and glory of all of our favorite famous thespians and stars. That is discriminatory behavior, in short it’s Hollywood apartheid. You look confused; ok they are not being diligent enough! They are only focusing on our “favorite” and “famous” stars, the spotlight whores, what about the hundreds of thousands of actors whose shattered dreams and unfulfilled ambitions served as the stage for all these Celebritish cads to bask in unadulterated adulation and glory. What about them? Well now they have a voice, we are now the voice for the voiceless, the diaphragm for the condomless and the tampon for the padless, get ready to soak this is all in.

Where the fuck they are now?

Unlike E! We are focusing on the ones that matter, unfortunately the information on these fine thespians is not as comprehensive because of their lack of evident fame so a lot of this is speculative but at least we are commemorating their achievements and taking 5 minutes to wonder where the fuck they are now.

Today we are wondering where the fuck Slimer is?

Slimer was born in a Springfield Nuclear plant in 1975, during the heyday of Zepplin’s domination of the airwaves. He was born into a Pagan family, his father was the first Uranium rod created in that plant and his mother was a free spirited cafeteria lime jelly. The minute they connected there was a reaction of nuclear proportions.

Early Years
The first 6 years of Slimer’s childhood were difficult. He was constantly poked, prodded and experimented on, it is this definitive period that paved his path to eventual stardom. The constant attention he received during his youth made him realize how special he really was. He left home in the spring of 1980 to a place that accepted and celebrated his uniqueness, he went to Hollywood.

The Hollywood Years – Who you gonna call?

Slimer didn’t have to wait long for his star to shine; he was at LA’s famous Troubadour one night scraping of Jimmy Page’s DNA off the floor when he met two young actors who were knocking back the slippery nipples. After a quick conversation, the two young actors Bill Murray and Harold Ramis were convinced that Slimer was born to play the role of their ghostly sidekick in Ivan Reitman’s now classic film Ghostbusters. Ivan didn’t need much convincing and the rest is history.

Slime is born
The huge success of the Ghostbusters franchise instantly sludged Slimer into international stardom. He was at every party, every gallery opening, basically at every event to be seen. Slimer had slimed his way to the top and had slimed the big time. He was the slime of the town; it didn’t get much better than this. He epitomized the rock and roll life and held his own against the very best of him. He was surrounded by horny viscous liquids that wanted to dissolve in him, fire extinguisher foam wanted to party with him and sludge wanted to be him.
Eventually Slimer’s emulation of a Keith Moonesque lifestyle caught up with him and one rainy night outside a New York club Slimer was involved in a mud sling with Stay Puft. The story goes that Stay Puft was a frequent user of toasted marshmallows; in his intoxicated state he started mucking around with Slimer’s girlfriend at the time Mire. Slimer was in no mood to be mucked around with and went after Stay Puft. They glopped outside the club and it was on that fateful night that everything Slimer had worked for and he himself literally oozed down the drain.
No one has seen hair or slime of this brilliant method actor who embodied every aspect of the character he played. Rumors surfaced a few moons ago that he was back in Hollywood and was moonlighting as an understudy to the versatile Silicon, whose extensive work in breast implants had made him peak early in a notoriously fickle town. They say that Slimer has enjoyed miniscule success and has had a bit part in some B cups and once was commissioned to do two sets of C cups but none of this can be confirmed.

Of course all these kinds of rumors ooze out of Hollywood on a daily basis. This is just one theory. If you have any idea or can speculate about the possible whereabouts of this lovable gooball then please let me know. I will collect, collate and compile the theories and send them across to Bill Murray. It would be great to see Slimer in the new Ghostbusters 3 film and regain his past glory. After all we owe it to a whole generation of mutants who have been deprived of the brilliance that is Slimer otherwise it truly would be a gelled waste.

The Almost Fall of Half-Man

Dear Congregation,

It has been a while. And what!?

Let’s begin….

‘C’meer’, for the sake of anonymity, is a young man delving into the reaches of the corporate world. He often resembles a child in a sweet shop asking the man behind the counter to feed him through a hose pipe and then refusing of fear of suffocation. He has a hunger that lies within him, a keenness for life and work that is positive and healthy, yet an undeniable fear of the unknown that prevents him from venturing beyond the limitations of his disciplined corporeal form.

He is a conscientious and clearly well-raised child yet still braving the traverse through puberty even though his balls should have dropped 8 years ago.

Well, he walks like he has four nuts, a bit like John Wayne with a comedy Jim Henson puppet voice on Helium. Perhaps, only 50 per cent of his hairless testicles need to drop before he starts resembling a homosapien in all its glory but it would seem there is still plenty of time and experience before we are drenched in C’meer’s adulthood.

But far from wanting to scratch his personality to shreds, I quite envy this boy. Innocent and pure as a boy could be, he seems as gentle as a teddy bear surrounded by a group of bunny rabbits and kittens smoking pot in a fairytale woodland.

He seems to care when it is necessary and he is responsible in his family dealings. A good boy.

All of these traits led me to believe he was asexual - as though the idea of wetting his raw manhood would bring him to tears and fears of ritual ramifications like burning genitalia in a public, village gathering in Northern India.

A few months ago he wouldn’t have uttered a misogynistic word against the tender sex. He would probably treat them to a tour of his ‘Star Wars’ toy collection if he ever got beyond the barrier of speaking to something that seems so unfamiliar to his sheltered eyes. The idea of ‘C’meer’ and sex was just unthinkable.

And then tragedy struck. Now we won’t go into what happened but this is what gets me, right. We all go through a right of passage to different degrees that shape our personalities whether that is being held in a concentration camp or going through a series of miserable relationships. But what is it about man – the male - that forces them to revert to carnal, Neanderthal pleasures in the face of adversity.

It seems to be a reversion to type whenever adversity strikes. When a man has been scathed down in a passionate love affair and told he is not wanted anymore, the first thing he’ll aim for is brief sexual liaisons in order to somehow emit any pain within him through his genitalia. There’s even a syndrome called the ‘crank’ where men still fresh in the pain of failed love, masturbate profusely over their former lover, while simultaneously crying.

Even in prison, man will go as far as to have sex with another man, with the alpha dog referred to as the male and the recipient considered the female. Is it just me but in any other situation wouldn’t that be considered homosexual or a slight on their masculinity? But in the condition of imprisonment it is considered manly and a demonstration of heterosexual dominance!

Fuck me! Even if you asked Terry Waite or John McCain or any other bloke who was released from captivity what the first thing they were going to do was when they got home, do you honestly believe that they’d be telling the truth by saying “Yeah, I’m going to have a pint of beer with my mates” or “I’m going to have a goodnight’s sleep”. Are they bollocks! First thing he would be caught up in is siphoning out the white spirits from burning graveyard of his loins.

“But you’ve been gone 15 years darling and your tea is waiting downstairs for you?”. “Yes, alright love! I’ll be five minutes more in here.”…as he chops his way through imaginations of anything from Goats to Shetland ponies.

So the whole point of this is that ‘C’meer’ in the light of his own personal tragedy has decided that someone is going to get it. I’ve even got suspicions that if you gave him a loaded cock and a naked woman, he still wouldn’t know where to put it.

BUT has that stopped C’meer? Oooooohhh, fucking, no! The boy is a rampant, sexual, deviant talking about slapping women before he even tries to engage in any relations with them.

And guess who the recipient of such unwarranted attention could possibly be? Yup, regular blog character, Bouda happens to be C’meer’s main target. There was a point earlier this week, where he had studied what she was wearing and had still decided that rather than manipulate that situation, he would like to slap her across the face before forcing her into some sort of sexual submission – potentially forcing her to play a cat in his mysterious role play world, where he would be a slightly over zealous Jerry to Bouda’s Tom.

Is it messed up? Quite possibly but it’s the way it devolves I’m afraid. Man in his weakness can be formulised as such: Man + Adversity = Sex.

Why? I wish I knew but even gentle, huggy bear C’meer – innocent quasi prophet of the agency has turned into the kind of prowling stalker that was unthinkable 6 months ago.

So listen birds – next time you think about dumping your boyfriends – think about what the poor fucker is going to be up to once you’ve flown. Even the good ones go bad.

Welcome to the world C’meer.