Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The shoedown.

I think people have lost sight of what’s really important with the pediassault in explosive Iraq. People keep talking about it being a statement of defiance, a single, comprehensive declaration that encompasses the worldwide resentment towards the American warmonger.

Well fear not sheep, your Shepard is here to keep you from straying and to focus on what is truly important pertaining to this little display.

If the shoes fits

Allow me to toss my shoe into the ring with some insights that will lace everything together nice and tight.

1.) First things first, can anyone tell me what brand the weapon of choice was? I feel that if he had used a pair of Nike’s famous Airforce Ones he would have enjoyed better air time which would have improved his chances of hitting the shoe on the head. Maybe a heavier shoe like a Timberland would have helped due to its excess weight. It would have dipped at the right time to ensure success. Remember no steel toes because he would have never gotten them through the metal detectors.

2.) All the major shoe oligarchs of the world are kicking themselves, think about the kind of brand equity they would have built if it was their lovechild that was hurled across the room.
Jimmy Choo- Knock any man of his feet.
Timberland - Let your shoes do the talking.
Nike - Just shoe it.
Just Shoe it : To throw footwear at something or someone to express disgust, disdain or disinterest. Words to live by.
Their global sales would have gone up, especially in markets such as North Korea, Venezuela, Iran, Palestine (if they could get them through the Israeli Blockades) and Pakistan just to name a few.They could have come up with their own line Nike AOEs ( Axis of Evil) and Jimmy Choo AOE ( Access the Evil in you) . Come to think of it people in Africa and India might even start wearing shoes. Ships transporting shoes beware of Somali pirates.

3.) Last but not least… where are the shoes that were heard and seen around the world? I am sure that currently it is vigorously being tested for traces of chemical weapons. Then it has to be ruled out as a weapon of mass destruction before it can be released into the wonderful world of eBay. Those shoes are the keys to stamping out this current financial impediment. Put it on eBay, some rich sovereign wealth fund will buy it under the guise of a wise investment. The money generated is a shoe in to :

1.) To kick the financial crisis in the face. The wealth fund money that will be raised to buy them will be enough to saturate the liquidity of financial institues galore.

2.)It will give the now flourishing shoe industry denizens a well deserved raise from 10 cents a day to 15 cents a day( that’s stimulating the economy right there). Yes children that's one more grain of rice you can purchase.

Eventually wherever the shoes do land, their proud owner can sleep well knowing that they double footedly saved the global economy and made their own shoeprints in the sands of history.
Till then think about what could have been :

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fear and Loathing in Beirut

Whenever most rational people approach certain milestones they are overwhelmed with a cacophony of emotions. So as I approached the impending quarter of a century old milestone I did what any member of the rationally inept and emotionally immature are socially pre-conditioned or genetically pre-disposed do (a lot of pre-words present in this pre-lude) Therefore I prescribed to the notion that a pre-dictable trip ( I use that word with pre-cision )down the rabbit hole , into the heart of darkness, to break on through to the other side was imminent ( how pre-sumptuous and pre-dictable to use three pre-valent cultural references in a row in this little pre-amble).

I pre-sent to you …..

Fear and Loathing in Beirut
Quillock and I were graced with the effervescent presence of Irah and embarked deep into the depths of an irresponsible binge saturated with a delectable mix grill of uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, Al-Maaza, mashawi, Hommous with Awarma, Tabouleh, eggs, cheese, wine and cupcakes.
As much as we would love to take you through a play by play up to the minute account of what transpired, we can’t! You had to have been there! However all is not lost I give you my word (whatever that is worth) that you will definitely be privy to the participants’ special commentary version.
Painting a picture is overrated, it limits the imagination, who the fuck needs boundaries? Prime example Israel and that other country, I want to say Palestine? Anyways enough digression so instead of painting you a picture I am going to play you a song , more accurately going to give you the soundtrack listing to this epic excursion in hedonism.
1.) Massive Attack – Discography -Favorite Tracks – Teardrop, Angel, Inertia Creeps and my personal favorite Dissolved Girl.
2.) Oasis – Definitely Maybe – Special mention to the track “Do you know what I mean” ( I know it’s not on this album).
3.) Soap Kills – Lebanese Trip Hop – Unfortunately they have disbanded but music the music keeps you trippin and hoppin.
4.) K&D Sessions Volume 1 and 2 – Doesn’t get better than Kruder and Dorfmeister
5.) Burial – Nominee for the Mercury music prize this year
6.) Interpol – Rest My Chemistry
7.) Seasick Steve – Dog House Blues
8.) Eric Clapton – Cocaine – He is just stating the obvious
9.) Dub Qawalli – Nusrat Fateh Ali haunting us from the grave
10.) A Tribe called Quest – The Love Movement
11.) Katachafire - Collie Herb Man - It's good Karam,good Marijuana
I could go on but the last orgasmic rhapsody belongs to a small unknown group from England
a.) Experience
b.) Experience Expanded
c.) Music for the Jilted Generation
d.) Fat of the Land
e.) Always outnumbered never outgunned
You know what? The albums needed to be listed because when you are all searching out of space to find another race fuelled by Lebanon’s finest candy, you will have a moment of clarity in between the rambunctious music… and in that moment of serenity you will thank us for having car bombed this one single minded thought into your conscious, sub conscious, ID, EGO and SUPER EGO


For the rest of this rant there will be periodical reminders of cette fact.

Skit 1 – Night Hawks at the Diner
Location 1 – Roadsters Diner, Downtown
Characters : Prank , Quillock , Irah and Charbel
Background : Prank and Irah haven’t slept in 24 hours because they are absolutely ecstatic ( yes it is exactly what you think it is , you guys are right on the fucking money ! )Quillock has the sagacity of a spiritual leader from this day on he will be known as Guru Getsomebirdsmanstoned
Irah to Charbel : I would like the Brunch special please…
Charbel : How would you like your eggs sir ?
Irah : Cheese !
And Scene


Skit 2 – Are you talking to me?
Characters: Prank, Irah and Taxi Driver
Location: 7 am outside BO18
Background : After a pleasant evening that involved being submerged in a parallel universe and frog heads, Prank and Irah float out of this particular rabbit hole aiming to get back to their hotel room to awaken a slumbering Quillock. As with any country taxi drivers are an enterprising race with a specific skill set that consists of extortion, mediocre pimping and social commentary on the status quo. We being the diligent travelers and hustlers of our own repute collated all the pertinent information that was required to ensure that we were not ripped off. A simple function will explain this

Trip from B018 to hotel = 10,000 lira ( nothing more)
Prank to Taxi Driver: Bonjour, we would like to go to Ramada Downtown
Taxi Driver: Of course my friend !
Prank: How much ?
Taxi Driver: 15,000 lira
Prank: No! Too much! We will only pay 10,000 lira
Taxi Driver: No! No! It far!
Prank: No! It’s not far, fine we walk!
Taxi Driver: Ok, ok, come I take you !
Prank: Ok but only for 10,000 we are not paying anything more!
Irah (invaluable input as always): Ok! You take us and we will pay 8,000 lira only!
Prank and Taxi Driver both look at Irah as if he had asked us to work out the square root of pi in our heads.
And Scene


That will be the last little anecdote because trying to remember these little chickpeas of substance induced miscommunication has been quite problematic. Plus even if by some miracle ( the scope of this particular miracle would qualify it as one of Christmasesque proportions) we did recall every misadventure this particular post would morph into an indefinite posting in a Middle Eastern war zone which loses its appeal after sometime. All I have to say is that I couldn’t have planned a better deconstruction of a milestone than this little sin binge because as you know the best laid plans never worked out for mice or men.