Monday, March 30, 2009

Creative spunk...everywhere but here

Hi there,

Its been a while but I doubt you noticed.

Baby C’meer is doing well. He seems to be moving on quite well. Still asexual but we love and nurture him like he was our own.

Anyway, this is quite a gentle return and not such a vitriolic diatribe as I imagined it would be.
I’d like to talk about something a lot of people here claim to be or believe exists here; creativity. There is plenty I'm sure. In advertising and so on even if its plagurized or people are trying too hard it exists to an extent but its the kind shit that I've already seen elsewhere in the world....too late.

I have my doubts about creativity and this place. Sad but true; this city is a far-flung breeding ground for nothing in particular. This might sound harsh but not only is the urban planning contrived, even the very thought of a creative spark is a fluffy dream in these parts.

Ya’ know, this might all just be harmful negativity but this town just isn’t built on genuine foundations. Some former jockey was going on about how grass was grown in the desert this weekend because of the Dubai World Cup and how amazing a feat that is. Ok. That is great but it still isn’t real is it? I mean if you hosed a bit of sand with some grass seeds on it, it still wouldn’t grow would it? You’d have to get some horse to shit on it before it even considered rearing its green tips above ground.

“Ummm, no thanks its too hot here…how about New Zealand?”

“NO! You have to grow here!”

Poor old grass seeds. But here is the thing. In an established city which wasn’t injected with growth hormone you have a city that has flourished through history, turmoil and some sort of evolution, which just hasn’t been the case here. It is still a baby and credit to the "visionaries" who created it but it still isn’t real and anyway, I did it first albeit when I was 12 and I was playing Sim City.

So there I am thinking ‘You know what? Give it a chance.” So Coldplay have come to town and everyone has been getting a bit giddy about it. But that is just the thing isn’t it? Everyone gets giddy about the one band that comes here. Literally, they are the only band of any genuine prowess that has come in its prime apart from Muse. Now I’m not a Coldplay fan because they are the ultimate corporate cock suckers but I understand why people are. Catchy, melodic 'Wonderwall' blueprint tunes that get everyone all emotional and reaching for their anti-depressant pills. However, could that level of talent or creativity be nurtured here. Nope. Sorry, not in a million fuckin’ years.

So I give it another chance. There are "bands" floating about here...anyway, not that I've been told they were good but their name has been mentioned so I thought 'Go on then. Let's have a listen'. Like Abri (Bob Marley is dead by the way, lads), Beat Antenna were essentially born in these arid lands. Didn’t think much of either of them but the latter without hearing them because I’ve gotten so disallusioned with anything here. But still, since people were harping on about them I thought I’ll give ‘em a listen.

Good for those lads. Seriously. At least they’ve had a go and it isn’t their fault that they’re shite because at the end of the day what have they had to inspire them? Supermarkets, shopping malls, girlfriends, the internet? Not the kind of gubbins that is going to change my life is it, really? Even if the lyrics were abstract they are far from going to gain a reaction close to "Woahh, hang on" in a place like this. People go to work, shop and get drunk here. Edgy shit, mannnnn. Yeah, far from it. With that kind of audience and that kind of band, the music 'scene' is likely to go nowhere fast.

Creativity, music, poetry, film has often thrived in adversity or through genuine inspiration. The Stones took it upon themselves to evolve Rhythm & Blues from its black roots into something quite phenomenal. Ok, they’re washed up and useless now but they had a breeding ground in which to create something amazing. They were middle-class and they did it. Not to say that you have to be working-class but imagine that so much real perspective on life and society has come from bands and individuals that were faced with the hardships of day-to-day living but still had the hope to produce absolute beauty or lyrics and poetry that were unmatched.

You can’t even walk the streets here and be inspired. In most cities across the world you could take a stroll and go ‘ohhhh look at that lovely flower or that weathered building’ and there you go, it’s the inspiration for your day. You couldn't have street artists here either...they'd melt.

You have to look for 'it' in your head and if all you’ve been doing is driving or shopping or any of the adventurous malarky you could get up to here then you’re screwed aren’t you? I doubt a song called ‘I’m doing my nails and breaking up with my boyfriend’ is going to make people sit-up.

Maybe it is just a sad indictment on modern society because there isn’t much out there that does make you want to start a revolution or be part of a movement. ‘Emos’ were the last sort of thing and if any of my kids like C'meer participated I'd kick him out of the Riding household.

"What's that fringe for? And why are you bleeding? Here put a plaster on it and watch Cartoon Network you little fucker."

The Arctic Monkeys got kids all excited in the UK but it hasn’t lasted long enough to really impact youth culture beyond fashion. Maybe its all fragmented because of MTV and the internet but its going to be a long while before we have life changing events because of the arts around us.

Maybe in the future this’ll be a place where I could rest my head in the knowledge that I could trust someone to touch my soul with their music, but I really doubt this place will spawn anything more than a ‘Meh’ from my vocal chords. Or maybe I’m just too harsh. Either way, maybe all these bands here will do me a favour and stop wasting my 5 minutes that could’ve been better spent cutting my nails.

Bye now!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Much Ado About Nothing

It has been about 2 months since the last rant and you would think that with so much lead time we would have been working on our magnum opus but in truth we have been indifferent and blasé. So in order to get back into the swing of things I am basically going to practice random ranting, so try and keep up:

Golden Girls Gone Wild
Nightmares during these times of credit recession have been reinvigorated with renewed potency. Freddie Kruger’s claws have been replaced by two large pink slips that he smacks you around with. Our default nightmares are frightful with chilling vengeance, so now not only are you naked in front of everyone you know but you are getting fired in the nude. Or when you are falling your parachute has been replaced by the pink slip that looms over your head. Or the worst of all is that you are involved in an orgy with the cast of the Golden Girls who are wearing lingerie made out of pink slips… I’ll give you a minute to get that image out of your head.

Obama is bustin’ a cap in the recession’s ass
Barack Obama made history …an African American as the most powerful man in the world; I don’t think that people have truly grasped the meaning of this historic event. His election to office, will kick-start a chain-reaction that will revive a global economy in the doldrums. Observe…Vendors of Fried Chicken and Malt Liquor will see an increased spike in sales of cholesterolic proportions due to the subsidies provided by the Obama administration. In order to meet this demand a lot more American jobs will be created because outsourcing to India won’t be a feasible option, the American public wants their chicken fried… not curried. Imagine a bucket of curried chicken… that is an ecological disaster waiting to explode. Pharamceutical companies will see a surge in sales of medicines relating to Cholesterol, Heart disease and Diabetes just to name a few, HMO packages will change in order meet the need of the ailing public. The decline in Public Health will provide an opportunity for America’s healthy lifestyle industry to tone and tighten the American people’s sagging health and it goes on and on.

However before all this Mr Obama is attending to a small matter of Global importance, nope its not the two ongoing wars, its not the increasing tension between Israel and Palestine ( those two should just fuck and get that shit over with), its not the War on Terror… its actually to declassify “Freedom Fries” as “French Fries” again. Word on Capitol Hill is that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Paris as we speak to give Fries back to the French. The loss of fries hit France hard and emasculated the French leadership. This victory will increase goodwill between the two adversarial superpowers; more importantly will get Mr Sarkozy-Bruni back in the good graces of the French public and most importantly in between Carla Bruni’s legs.

Have your cake but do you want to eat it at all?

It gives me great pleasure to announce that CMeer our asexual mascot has actually managed to grow a pair; well at least he has started growing a pair. Recently there was a day of birth celebration at his office (believe it or not CMeer has a legitimate job, I know!) and CMeer’s road is always paved with good intentions he offered some of Coco’s finest Chocolate Triple Layer Cake (Shameless plug here!) to his colleague Aloof. But Aloof being the health nut whose hips don’t lie, refused politely. Actually this is a third hand account of what transpired:

CMeer (sounding like an Autistic Elmo) to Aloof: Would you like some cake?
Aloof: No, thanks I am not very hungry.
CMeer (still sounding like an Autistic Elmo): Are you sure? It’s reaaal good!
Aloof: I’m alright thanks, I don’t want any.
CMeer (yup, you guessed it Autistic Elmo all the way): Not even if it smeared it all over my body?


Yes I would like a slice of the Inappropriate Cake with the Sexual Harassment Icing please!

I know what you are thinking but I couldn’t even make this up if I tried. Next time I’ll talk to you through CMeer’s voyeuristic interests.

BlaBlah – Super Intern

Before I leave to you to the amorous rendezvous you have planned with the cast of Golden Girls in your head I would like to talk about our Intern - BlaBlah. This very definition of jail bait is unique in all respects of the word. Having been an intern myself I am a great sympathizer of their condition, not stupidity but of the boredom that leads them to countless questions on the merits of working at all. However this particular specimen of exponential intelligence has taken the cake (not the one smeared over CMeer’s disproportionate body). Keep in mind that she is the future; it gives me a sense of comfort that our future is in safe, delicate hands. An example of her brilliance:

My colleague sequestered her services to send out material to two people. He gave her both addresses one in Dubai and the other recipient was in Egypt. So BlaBlah, grateful for the work started working on this most tedious of projects with zeal and unwavering dedication after a couple of minutes she shows my colleague the envelope she had so arduously been filling out… looking at it for a couple of seconds my colleague looks at her puzzled and goes

“Why have you put both addresses on the same envelope?”

I bid thee farewell, next time a profile on craftiest member of JWT, Frodo – Inch High Advertising Guy!