Sunday, March 15, 2009

Much Ado About Nothing

It has been about 2 months since the last rant and you would think that with so much lead time we would have been working on our magnum opus but in truth we have been indifferent and blasé. So in order to get back into the swing of things I am basically going to practice random ranting, so try and keep up:

Golden Girls Gone Wild
Nightmares during these times of credit recession have been reinvigorated with renewed potency. Freddie Kruger’s claws have been replaced by two large pink slips that he smacks you around with. Our default nightmares are frightful with chilling vengeance, so now not only are you naked in front of everyone you know but you are getting fired in the nude. Or when you are falling your parachute has been replaced by the pink slip that looms over your head. Or the worst of all is that you are involved in an orgy with the cast of the Golden Girls who are wearing lingerie made out of pink slips… I’ll give you a minute to get that image out of your head.

Obama is bustin’ a cap in the recession’s ass
Barack Obama made history …an African American as the most powerful man in the world; I don’t think that people have truly grasped the meaning of this historic event. His election to office, will kick-start a chain-reaction that will revive a global economy in the doldrums. Observe…Vendors of Fried Chicken and Malt Liquor will see an increased spike in sales of cholesterolic proportions due to the subsidies provided by the Obama administration. In order to meet this demand a lot more American jobs will be created because outsourcing to India won’t be a feasible option, the American public wants their chicken fried… not curried. Imagine a bucket of curried chicken… that is an ecological disaster waiting to explode. Pharamceutical companies will see a surge in sales of medicines relating to Cholesterol, Heart disease and Diabetes just to name a few, HMO packages will change in order meet the need of the ailing public. The decline in Public Health will provide an opportunity for America’s healthy lifestyle industry to tone and tighten the American people’s sagging health and it goes on and on.

However before all this Mr Obama is attending to a small matter of Global importance, nope its not the two ongoing wars, its not the increasing tension between Israel and Palestine ( those two should just fuck and get that shit over with), its not the War on Terror… its actually to declassify “Freedom Fries” as “French Fries” again. Word on Capitol Hill is that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Paris as we speak to give Fries back to the French. The loss of fries hit France hard and emasculated the French leadership. This victory will increase goodwill between the two adversarial superpowers; more importantly will get Mr Sarkozy-Bruni back in the good graces of the French public and most importantly in between Carla Bruni’s legs.

Have your cake but do you want to eat it at all?

It gives me great pleasure to announce that CMeer our asexual mascot has actually managed to grow a pair; well at least he has started growing a pair. Recently there was a day of birth celebration at his office (believe it or not CMeer has a legitimate job, I know!) and CMeer’s road is always paved with good intentions he offered some of Coco’s finest Chocolate Triple Layer Cake (Shameless plug here!) to his colleague Aloof. But Aloof being the health nut whose hips don’t lie, refused politely. Actually this is a third hand account of what transpired:

CMeer (sounding like an Autistic Elmo) to Aloof: Would you like some cake?
Aloof: No, thanks I am not very hungry.
CMeer (still sounding like an Autistic Elmo): Are you sure? It’s reaaal good!
Aloof: I’m alright thanks, I don’t want any.
CMeer (yup, you guessed it Autistic Elmo all the way): Not even if it smeared it all over my body?


Yes I would like a slice of the Inappropriate Cake with the Sexual Harassment Icing please!

I know what you are thinking but I couldn’t even make this up if I tried. Next time I’ll talk to you through CMeer’s voyeuristic interests.

BlaBlah – Super Intern

Before I leave to you to the amorous rendezvous you have planned with the cast of Golden Girls in your head I would like to talk about our Intern - BlaBlah. This very definition of jail bait is unique in all respects of the word. Having been an intern myself I am a great sympathizer of their condition, not stupidity but of the boredom that leads them to countless questions on the merits of working at all. However this particular specimen of exponential intelligence has taken the cake (not the one smeared over CMeer’s disproportionate body). Keep in mind that she is the future; it gives me a sense of comfort that our future is in safe, delicate hands. An example of her brilliance:

My colleague sequestered her services to send out material to two people. He gave her both addresses one in Dubai and the other recipient was in Egypt. So BlaBlah, grateful for the work started working on this most tedious of projects with zeal and unwavering dedication after a couple of minutes she shows my colleague the envelope she had so arduously been filling out… looking at it for a couple of seconds my colleague looks at her puzzled and goes

“Why have you put both addresses on the same envelope?”

I bid thee farewell, next time a profile on craftiest member of JWT, Frodo – Inch High Advertising Guy!


Bego said...

The time waiting was worth it.. brilliant.

Zeinoun said...

I'm glad i was in reading mode today :)