Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Where the fuck are they now ?

E! is our one stop entertainment information hub that keeps us up to date with the glitzy world of Celebritannia. They take us through harrowing true Hollywood stories saturated with sex, drugs, betrayal, hardship, addiction, violence, fame and glory of all of our favorite famous thespians and stars. That is discriminatory behavior, in short it’s Hollywood apartheid. You look confused; ok they are not being diligent enough! They are only focusing on our “favorite” and “famous” stars, the spotlight whores, what about the hundreds of thousands of actors whose shattered dreams and unfulfilled ambitions served as the stage for all these Celebritish cads to bask in unadulterated adulation and glory. What about them? Well now they have a voice, we are now the voice for the voiceless, the diaphragm for the condomless and the tampon for the padless, get ready to soak this is all in.

Where the fuck they are now?

Unlike E! We are focusing on the ones that matter, unfortunately the information on these fine thespians is not as comprehensive because of their lack of evident fame so a lot of this is speculative but at least we are commemorating their achievements and taking 5 minutes to wonder where the fuck they are now.

Today we are wondering where the fuck Slimer is?

Slimer was born in a Springfield Nuclear plant in 1975, during the heyday of Zepplin’s domination of the airwaves. He was born into a Pagan family, his father was the first Uranium rod created in that plant and his mother was a free spirited cafeteria lime jelly. The minute they connected there was a reaction of nuclear proportions.

Early Years
The first 6 years of Slimer’s childhood were difficult. He was constantly poked, prodded and experimented on, it is this definitive period that paved his path to eventual stardom. The constant attention he received during his youth made him realize how special he really was. He left home in the spring of 1980 to a place that accepted and celebrated his uniqueness, he went to Hollywood.

The Hollywood Years – Who you gonna call?

Slimer didn’t have to wait long for his star to shine; he was at LA’s famous Troubadour one night scraping of Jimmy Page’s DNA off the floor when he met two young actors who were knocking back the slippery nipples. After a quick conversation, the two young actors Bill Murray and Harold Ramis were convinced that Slimer was born to play the role of their ghostly sidekick in Ivan Reitman’s now classic film Ghostbusters. Ivan didn’t need much convincing and the rest is history.

Slime is born
The huge success of the Ghostbusters franchise instantly sludged Slimer into international stardom. He was at every party, every gallery opening, basically at every event to be seen. Slimer had slimed his way to the top and had slimed the big time. He was the slime of the town; it didn’t get much better than this. He epitomized the rock and roll life and held his own against the very best of him. He was surrounded by horny viscous liquids that wanted to dissolve in him, fire extinguisher foam wanted to party with him and sludge wanted to be him.
Eventually Slimer’s emulation of a Keith Moonesque lifestyle caught up with him and one rainy night outside a New York club Slimer was involved in a mud sling with Stay Puft. The story goes that Stay Puft was a frequent user of toasted marshmallows; in his intoxicated state he started mucking around with Slimer’s girlfriend at the time Mire. Slimer was in no mood to be mucked around with and went after Stay Puft. They glopped outside the club and it was on that fateful night that everything Slimer had worked for and he himself literally oozed down the drain.
No one has seen hair or slime of this brilliant method actor who embodied every aspect of the character he played. Rumors surfaced a few moons ago that he was back in Hollywood and was moonlighting as an understudy to the versatile Silicon, whose extensive work in breast implants had made him peak early in a notoriously fickle town. They say that Slimer has enjoyed miniscule success and has had a bit part in some B cups and once was commissioned to do two sets of C cups but none of this can be confirmed.

Of course all these kinds of rumors ooze out of Hollywood on a daily basis. This is just one theory. If you have any idea or can speculate about the possible whereabouts of this lovable gooball then please let me know. I will collect, collate and compile the theories and send them across to Bill Murray. It would be great to see Slimer in the new Ghostbusters 3 film and regain his past glory. After all we owe it to a whole generation of mutants who have been deprived of the brilliance that is Slimer otherwise it truly would be a gelled waste.

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