The Almost Fall of Half-Man

Dear Congregation,

It has been a while. And what!?

Let’s begin….

‘C’meer’, for the sake of anonymity, is a young man delving into the reaches of the corporate world. He often resembles a child in a sweet shop asking the man behind the counter to feed him through a hose pipe and then refusing of fear of suffocation. He has a hunger that lies within him, a keenness for life and work that is positive and healthy, yet an undeniable fear of the unknown that prevents him from venturing beyond the limitations of his disciplined corporeal form.

He is a conscientious and clearly well-raised child yet still braving the traverse through puberty even though his balls should have dropped 8 years ago.

Well, he walks like he has four nuts, a bit like John Wayne with a comedy Jim Henson puppet voice on Helium. Perhaps, only 50 per cent of his hairless testicles need to drop before he starts resembling a homosapien in all its glory but it would seem there is still plenty of time and experience before we are drenched in C’meer’s adulthood.

But far from wanting to scratch his personality to shreds, I quite envy this boy. Innocent and pure as a boy could be, he seems as gentle as a teddy bear surrounded by a group of bunny rabbits and kittens smoking pot in a fairytale woodland.

He seems to care when it is necessary and he is responsible in his family dealings. A good boy.

All of these traits led me to believe he was asexual - as though the idea of wetting his raw manhood would bring him to tears and fears of ritual ramifications like burning genitalia in a public, village gathering in Northern India.

A few months ago he wouldn’t have uttered a misogynistic word against the tender sex. He would probably treat them to a tour of his ‘Star Wars’ toy collection if he ever got beyond the barrier of speaking to something that seems so unfamiliar to his sheltered eyes. The idea of ‘C’meer’ and sex was just unthinkable.

And then tragedy struck. Now we won’t go into what happened but this is what gets me, right. We all go through a right of passage to different degrees that shape our personalities whether that is being held in a concentration camp or going through a series of miserable relationships. But what is it about man – the male - that forces them to revert to carnal, Neanderthal pleasures in the face of adversity.

It seems to be a reversion to type whenever adversity strikes. When a man has been scathed down in a passionate love affair and told he is not wanted anymore, the first thing he’ll aim for is brief sexual liaisons in order to somehow emit any pain within him through his genitalia. There’s even a syndrome called the ‘crank’ where men still fresh in the pain of failed love, masturbate profusely over their former lover, while simultaneously crying.

Even in prison, man will go as far as to have sex with another man, with the alpha dog referred to as the male and the recipient considered the female. Is it just me but in any other situation wouldn’t that be considered homosexual or a slight on their masculinity? But in the condition of imprisonment it is considered manly and a demonstration of heterosexual dominance!

Fuck me! Even if you asked Terry Waite or John McCain or any other bloke who was released from captivity what the first thing they were going to do was when they got home, do you honestly believe that they’d be telling the truth by saying “Yeah, I’m going to have a pint of beer with my mates” or “I’m going to have a goodnight’s sleep”. Are they bollocks! First thing he would be caught up in is siphoning out the white spirits from burning graveyard of his loins.

“But you’ve been gone 15 years darling and your tea is waiting downstairs for you?”. “Yes, alright love! I’ll be five minutes more in here.”…as he chops his way through imaginations of anything from Goats to Shetland ponies.

So the whole point of this is that ‘C’meer’ in the light of his own personal tragedy has decided that someone is going to get it. I’ve even got suspicions that if you gave him a loaded cock and a naked woman, he still wouldn’t know where to put it.

BUT has that stopped C’meer? Oooooohhh, fucking, no! The boy is a rampant, sexual, deviant talking about slapping women before he even tries to engage in any relations with them.

And guess who the recipient of such unwarranted attention could possibly be? Yup, regular blog character, Bouda happens to be C’meer’s main target. There was a point earlier this week, where he had studied what she was wearing and had still decided that rather than manipulate that situation, he would like to slap her across the face before forcing her into some sort of sexual submission – potentially forcing her to play a cat in his mysterious role play world, where he would be a slightly over zealous Jerry to Bouda’s Tom.

Is it messed up? Quite possibly but it’s the way it devolves I’m afraid. Man in his weakness can be formulised as such: Man + Adversity = Sex.

Why? I wish I knew but even gentle, huggy bear C’meer – innocent quasi prophet of the agency has turned into the kind of prowling stalker that was unthinkable 6 months ago.

So listen birds – next time you think about dumping your boyfriends – think about what the poor fucker is going to be up to once you’ve flown. Even the good ones go bad.

Welcome to the world C’meer.