Sunday, November 9, 2008

Rupac: Trans-gender, gangsta crap

Over the last ten years something has bothered me so much so that I can sincerely say I’d like to ban it. Not because it is offensive or I’m conservative but simply because it creates a paradoxical cycle of audible shit.

Yes, children – I’m talking about Rap, R’n’B and Hip Hop. It sucks cock for the lack of a better term. Don’t get me wrong, when Rap originated it was different and creative and meant something. There was a message and it was powerful. Who can forget the likes of Public Enemy, A Tribe Called Quest or Grand Master Flash? Society changing and infectious. And Rhythm and Blues was the domain of some of the most creative black songwriters the world ever saw. Subsequently, good, old white folk took over and adapted it – including the likes of The Rolling Stones.

But now….now it is just prose about money, diamonds, shagging or masculinity over a series of bleeps or samples of great tunes they didn’t write.

“Oh man, you heard the latest joint by Timbaland? Go out and buy it.”

Errmm, no. If I wanted to listen to music that should be the backdrop to a 1980’s Atari computer game, I would use a mind rubber to delete what grey matter I have and live in a mental asylum.

All the braggadocio and spastic talk that only middle class white American teenagers seem to relate to seems as primitive as a caveman, masturbating over a breast shaped rock.

I’m sure there are exceptions but none of it (original or sampled) seems like it is something that will be listened to in 20 years time with affection. Hmmmmmm, how to spice it up and make it more interesting….???

Well, perhaps nobody knows this but the late Tupac Shakur spent one long night with Ru Paul 13 years ago. The result was Rupac, the illegitimate, hermaphrodite spawn of this vile relationship that involved candlesticks, knuckle dusters and 17 broken Trojan condoms.

I believe that new audiences would be attracted to a dull genre if this transgender, gangsta rapper/rappess were to make music.

What a refreshing tone for Rap music. A male with an adjacent front opening, singing about how he/she attracts young men only to reveal a browned cucumber as an unfortunate bedfellow. Perhaps a song about the joys of having anal sex with young men or having to deal with a period as well as erections….there are so many possibilities. I think Jay-Z or Puff Daddy or whoever the latest, great producer is should actively search for Rupac and await the amazing results.

Ohhhh, the freestyle potential. Could you imagine it? Rupac and Eminem face-off against each other to the point that they get so angry with one another that they end up wrestling. The wrestling would begin aggressive enough in earnest but it would devolve into some rabid, confused, sexual pile. White on black, cock on munge or cock up bum.

I’m sure the same insipid hicks who watch American Idol instead of living their lives would tune in. How could Simon Cowell ever turn Rupac away? He wouldn’t. He would be blown away by the true life story of a black, she-male trying to make it through everyday life and he would ensure that the sympathy votes would go to her/him.

Cue end of Rap

Simon: “Do you really want my opinion, Rupac? Well, I think that was the most amazing performance by a double, genitalled individual I’ve ever seen. In fact, that is the only performance by a twat, cocked person I’ve ever seen!”

Audience laughs and cries at the sweet irony of it all.

Either that or just ban shit music altogether. Bundle it all up like a toxic debt from Lehmann Brothers and sell it to Mars. It’d be better off in a vacuum.

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