Sunday, November 9, 2008

Abandon hope all ye who enter here

The idea of hell has been forged into our core belief system since we entered this meat space we call life. As infants we were baptized, circumcised, anaesthetized, ritualized, iodized, and immunized with the single minded intention of saving us from all the future sins that we would all eventually commit. I have left out infanticide on the aforementioned list because that particular treat was reserved for those fine specimens that were committing sins as infants ( which makes old Lucifer very proud) or those who were born the wrong gender ( you didn’t think I was going to leave that little delectable nugget of truth out?).

Fire, Brimstone, Demons of unimaginable horror, all efficiently managed by a severely sun burnt, horny (i.e. with horns) gentleman with a tail and an oversized gardening tool called Satan aka Lucifer or by the moniker he is more popularly and universally known as… Dick Cheney.

That little postcard of eternal damnation strikes fear into the hearts of most regular people, but I ask you is that the scariest depiction of hell we could conceptualize?

Hell has lost its edge; Hell historically was always used as a deterrent against bad behavior. I look around and all I see is bad fucking behavior so it is time that we put the "bad motherfucker" back into hell. Hell needs to be the Sam Jackson version of hell. We need to come up with a hell so bad, so terrifying that it will scare the gays straight, it will scare the thieves to find alternative employment, it will scare the adulterers into monogamy, it will scare the U.S. government into admitting that there were no WMDs and it will scare all of us into actually acknowledging that “The Big G “is all powerful so that he doesn’t banish us into eternal damnation at this particular venue.

Keeping this in mind I have decided to present to thee my top ten list of scary ass hell in no particular order just of the top of my head.

Prank goes to Hell

1.) Trapped in a room with the women of “The View” during a collective that time of the month.
2.) Teaching George Dubya calculus.
3.) Tom Cruise’s wife
4.) Being trapped in George Lucas’s Double chin.
5.) C-Bar.
6.) Being shackled in a basement and being forced to watch re-runs of The Teletubbies.
7.) Being in powder form around Keith Richards.
8.) Organizing Lebanese elections of any kind.
9.) Being trapped in a public outhouse sandwiched between George Michael and Elton John
10.) Trying to say the full name of any South Indian quickly.

You are looking at this list and laughing at the insanity of it and thinking to yourselves “This is not half as bad as fire and brimstone”. I want you to take a look at the list above and add one small word at the end, just one small word “FOREVER”. Now look at the list again. Do you hear that? that is the sound of you all soiling yourselves. The fear is overwhelming ,the thought of being Tom Cruise’s wife FOREVER, C-BAR FOREVER, Subrumaniumakkarajuaribukeralitispongallamvindaloojohn FOREVER !

That children, is the Mac book of Hell , no spam , no spyware, no screw ups, pure unadulterated damnation at its worst.

Quillock and I would like to extend an invitation to you all to come up with your idea of hell and we will collect and collate then provide you with 20 possible new residences for the Overlord of Darkness - Dick Cheney.

People, this needs to be done, we need to do this for our children and our children’s children so that those puny rat bastards will truly know fear, we owe them this much.

Do you hear that ? That is the sound of Bouda showering ! Please close your eyes and marinate over that thought for as long you like.


Anonymous said...

1)Zapatero, spanish "president".
2)Aznar never appreciated
3)Ignorants never understanding
4)The last sip in a bottle of Pacharan (or any alcohol)
7)Small closets and no where to hide
8)Conversations that lead to everywhere, or not.
9)The only real butterfly in a rainbow club.

The Espaniards said...

Another definition of hell

S said...

I always thought of C-Bar as the waiting room to hell. But now it's been elevated to a new status.

To be added to the list...
Sho Chos on a Sunday night.

I'm sure you've seen this.

Hunterino said...

If those who profess to believe in hell, actually believed in it, shit, they wouldn't do ANYTHING wrong.

Hell would be a place with a head full of fleeting genius level ideas without a pen and paper.

But to return to the fire and brimstone thing, when I think of how hot it is in Dubai during August, well, I'd reconsider the lake-of-fire-not-being-so-bad idea.

But what about Chinese water torture until the water erodes a hole in your head. And they're playing Celine Dion does Christmas gansta techno yodeling. Forever.

Hmm...maybe I'd take the lake.

Zaina-Kae said...

1) Waiting for a cab during rush hour in Bur Dubai

2) discussing 'boys' with a girl who doesn't understand why he didn't call back... "but i've called him 400 times and sent him 30 messages!?" "I don't get it!?" "He must be hurt or lost somewhere.. *gasp* maybe even dead.."

3) dicussing 'life' with an extreme optimist.

4) Japanese burial torture whilst Mariah Carey sings to you until you die (her new crap)-(Contributed by a colleague at work)

5) Listening to Britney saying/singing "Yeh Yeh Yeh Yeh Yeah..." FOREVER

When I think of more.. I'll let you know :)

brioche insipide said...

Hell is...
a room full of Paolo Coelho books.
a room full of jagals who feel like talking.
a room full of soon-to-be brides AND their future mothers-in-law.
a room full of chocolate and no water.
a room with Celine Dion in it.

Anonymous said...

In no particular order and as "t" approaches infinity:

* Being trapped in the Kretiv world... (mirror image of the creative world in a parallel universe) where the climax of creativity consists of coming up with an option C that combines options A and B... uhh... wait... no, scratch that. nevermind... confusing my tenses... the afterlife comes after this one.

* Being trapped in Disney's "It's a Small World" ride which (don't be facetious) differs widely from Dubai in that it's enhanced with a repetitive sound track... but come to think of it...

* Living in WhoVille and shopping for X-mas decoration all year long.

* Dating someone who thinks Antonym is a gay guy's name.

Anonymous said...

1- Dubai radio stations. Thought of typing "on loop" but they seem to do that for us already.
2- Watching people get drunk and hitting on everyone then to hear them bitch about it and proceed to do it again the next night.
3- Stuck on a road with white women in their 4x4s
4- The Lebanese